grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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