who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
