Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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