When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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