just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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