WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
