I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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