no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
