there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
