Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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