Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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