so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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