happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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