the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
