I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
