I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
