I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
