Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
