wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Blood and glitter go together right?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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