and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
