Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Congratulations! We have a period
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
