she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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