just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
