I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
