Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
