i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
