is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
