I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
