I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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