I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I puked a lego.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
