hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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