my vag is so smooth its legendary
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
