I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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