Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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