I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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