her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
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