dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
