no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
