As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
