I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
