i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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