Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
