i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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