if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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