After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
