At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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