Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish you could order shots online.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
