put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
