Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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