This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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